Hang-Ups

Edited from an article I wrote in 2005.
Why do people call, wait for the answering machine, and then hang up? What sick, sadistic pleasure do they get from causing a half-conscious person to topple groggily off the top bunk and make zombie-like motions to find the phone, only to hear the annoying beeping of the answering machine informing them they are unloved by the person who just hung up without leaving a message?...again. If you were bloody going to hang up, why did you even bother to let the message play out, huh, huh, huh?? Did you forget who you were calling? So you wanted to hear their voice, but obviously not enough have them CALL YOU BACK?!

I know what it is! You have a secret crush on someone and you keep calling trying to get the guts to ask them out. Good for you. Now try calling when he is in the room! Or find some lame excuse so she’ll call you back. It works, but if you totally lose your nerve, hang up before the answering machine finishes. You want to make a good impression right, not tick them off?

Maybe you’re a stalker. Good for you. Don’t be ashamed. Let your intended beloved have the pleasure of realizing he/she is being stalked. Breathe heavily into the answering machine. That way, the person you’re calling will realize your intentions and make appropriate action. True, you’ll be in jail for a time, but that is the price of stalking.

Maybe you’re a friend who at the last moment decides you’ll call back later. What kind of a friend ARE YOU???!! Do you realize you will be the cause of your best friend attacking their answering machine with a biology textbook and dagger-sharpened pencils??!! These are the kinds of the things that cause totally reasonable people to go insane.

Perhaps you’re ashamed to admit you know a certain person. You can’t allow evidence that links you to them, therefore, no messages. But by leaving a blank message, they’ll obviously know it’s you, right? Hello? Is this the “I’m sure you know who I am on a campus of over 900 people” phone line??

What is wrong with the world today? The fact that we don’t leave messages on people’s answering machines? That all the phone calls to your room are for your roommate?

Of course not. That’s only symptoms of the problem. The real dilemma is that people don’t have any guts anymore to take a chance, risk sounding stupid, risk rejection, risk acknowledging a person, risk having someone reach out and call them back.

Or maybe that’s what we’re really afraid of: that he'll call back and not leave a message.